Work E-mails...

"Dear"
Translation: Yo, what'syername, this is for you

"I hope this reaches you well"
Translation: I'm human, I swear

"Please advise"
Translation: YOU friggin' do it

"Kind Regards"
Translation: No, really, I'm human

and my personal favourite, the cherry on my metaphorical cake:
"SINCERELY"
Translation: Can't believe I'm finally done writing to this piece of shit...

...who the fuck are we all kidding??