Noise

You know the feeling. When you park the car and turn off the engine, you’re suddenly all-too-aware of just how loud everything was in the ‘background’…only it’s not background noise when there are no other sounds being made. No music, no speech, nothing else to focus on…yet all that engine sputtering and roaring and revving is ‘background’ noise.

It’s the same feeling you get in that first millisecond before you open your eyes when you first wake up – except in reverse. The point is: my brain is noisy. It’s like a beehive…and I can no longer call it background noise…because this is my life, at least 70% of the time. That never-ending engine drone. Beehive drone, whatever. Maybe I need more focus.

At the airport…

…and up strides this man, dressed like religion and shoving his beliefs in my face. He has an air of “you’re all entitled to my opinion” about him. It may not be his intention to influence me in any way…not me specifically, but he screams without words and my ear drums are pounding.

I don’t blame him. I don’t even blame the indoctrinating society that made him this way. I don’t blame myself for feeling…afflicted. And I don’t blame the same society that pushed me in the other direction.
We’re all born with it. Loneliness. Solitude. It’s DNA. Or genetics. Or nature. Or something. That’s why we have urges. To pass seed. To receive seed. To create. To procreate. To pass the time. To preoccupy ourselves. For a few minutes…and then for a lifetime.

But it fills no gaps. When we’re not preoccupied, we still want not to feel alone. In a crowd of everyone else’s ‘procreative needs for togetherness’ (or ‘people’, if you will) and still looking for more. So we give it names. Then we create rules. To explain it. Or rather, to explain why there is no explanation for it. And we give that a name. Till it takes on the form of an Asimovian robot; a life of its own to control our lives. We don’t know what’s good for us, right? Only human. Only lonely.

Not ironic that what saves us is what’s going to kill us all, then. Separation. Righteousness. Blood. War. Not very effective. Seems like we’re just delaying it a little bit. Afraid of what we say is coming, maybe.

Half way isn’t

I’m only half-full of hope

Ever the realist

Ever so balanced

Wistfully blissful

But perfectly sane

I’m only half-way there

…and hopeful

Please

Promise me nothing

And I’ll thrive on my own

Hard to Comprehend

It’s hard to comprehend an aching in your chest

If it doesn’t happen every day

Then are you truly missing someone?

 

Harder to comprehend is when you’re feeling it this strongly

Why are you even questioning it?

.waiting.

wait·ing/ˈwātiNG/Noun

1. The action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happens

 

Waiting for something that's not on its way

A silent inaction; deliberate delay

 

Waiting, breath bated, for a feeling to pass -

 

Thinking of something, of nothing, of needing

The skin on my fingers, like my heart still bleeding

 

Thinking it’s over, was not meant to last -

 

Tasting betrayal at the tip of my tongue

The words are not forming, but it soon won’t be long

 

Tasting a future that faded too fast -

 

Denying me sanity or my peace of mind

Delusional cravings I must leave behind

 

Denying betrayal, you pitiful ass -

كان: فعل ماضي - مبني على حكي فاضي

:قل لي

…كوني مجرَد كائن في الكون

كيف لي أن أكون؟

شعبي الطيز

شعبي الطيز:

فيي غضب لا يتلاشى

“بمشي و رأسي إلى السماء و أسمع: "شو هل بزاز؟

“بمشي بعزة و كبرياء و أسمع: "أيش هل طيز؟

بمشي بكرامتي و بينمسح  فيي الأرض

يعني كيف أمشي؟

أمشي و عيناي بالأرض؟

أمشي متكتفة؟

أدور و راسمة كشرة عوجهي؟

“برضو بسمعلي كلمة واطية أو "ضايعة حبيبتي؟  أوصلك؟

أدور زي النورية و اسبسب عخواتكو؟؟؟

يعني واحد واحد بدي أقعد أربي فيكو يا محترمين؟ 

ليل نهار بدافع عن الإنسانية - كلنا متساويين، كلنا منستاهال كل خير، ما في حدا أحسن من الثاني...بالله جد؟ أنا عمستواكم؟ إنتو بتدافعو عن حقوقي الإنسانية؟ أنا بعاملكو زي الزبالة؟

ليش؟ لا هي شطارة، ولا هي زقرتنة، ولا هي خرا

أنا بنزعج و إنتو بتوكلو بهدل...ياي...

بيسألوا عن جنسيتي -  بقول: أردنية

بيسألوا عن شعبي - بقول: زي طيزي

شعبي الطيز:

فيي غضب لن يتلاشى

صحوت من النوم و…

كُسر الصمت في جو غائم

بزئير معدة تشكو كالصائم

تصبو لأكل شيء ملائم

بقرة, دجاجة أو حي كائن

(!قُتل ليُسكت الكلب النائم (معدتي

لكن موعد الغذاء مع غير المؤمن

و الحديث المطوَل بصيغة المتشائم

لم يحن بعد...و الجو غائم

Shopping List Prose

I like meeting strangers, I like talking till sunrise, I like feeling like a kid again, I like sticking my toes in the sand, I like finding all the layers in the person in front of me, I like being surprised by a misconception, I like being right about things without knowing it, I like that there might be nothing more to it, I like that I don’t particularly care, I like having shared a moment.

I don’t like how things get clearer when the sun’s out…and there are people all around peering into your moment…

…but it’s still my moment

Fuck you

Fuck you. Fuck you for getting inside my head. Fuck you for haunting my subconscious sleep. Fuck you for being in my conscious. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you for telling me everything I wanted to hear. Fuck you for taking it all back. Fuck you for moving on without batting an eyelash. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you for being so nice. Fuck you for being an asshole. Fuck you for being everything in between. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you for ruining other guys for me. Fuck you for breaking my one month rule. Fuck you for snaking your way back in. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you for every time you weren’t there for me. Fuck you for the one time you were there. Fuck you for being there when I didn’t want it. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you for breaking my heart. Fuck you for blaming me for it. Fuck you for doing it all in a half-assed way. Fuck you.

Fuck me for ever wanting you back. Fuck. Show me you’re not worth it.

No, fuck you, ya binit…get it together already…

A long time ago, but…

out of the shared selfishness of intimacy….

my heart no longer pounds

NOW…

onto better things

…but it does hurt

 

That one person is given the power to decide for all who you are

That people will believe what they are told about you

That you can feel it & pretend it’s not happening

That a story can get so twisted without words

That a reputation may make or break you

That you let it happen

That it is so common

That it is the norm

That it happens

That it is…

.

.

.

….is disgusting

Saddam?

لا تأسفن على غدر الزمان لطالما رقصت على جثث الأسود كلاب - ما قصدها تعلو على أسيادها تبقى الأسود أسود و الكلاب كلاب

Woe not the treachery of time; the bodies of lions have long been danced upon by dogs - Though they intend to rise above their masters, lions will remain lions, and dogs will remain dogs.

Barely Legible

…so you start writing, just like that, mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-???…fumbling blindly with a pen & paper (not metaphorically blindly, although…) in a darkened corner of your room, late at night, sacrificing legibility for the sake of not interrupting your flow…there’s something about light that a moment in space & time when you need things to just be still for a moment so you can gather all these…emotions, sensory inputs…inputs, nuances…no interruptions…which also explains the need for a pen & paper over your keyboard…your keyboards kills – scratch that – your keyboard stifles something about the whole process that, for some reason, needs to feel more organic…hell, if I had a twig and some fresh mud, I’d be writing in that instead. Even charcoal on a cave wall must have seemed a little too advanced for early man at some point in histo…at some point in this time-loop…continuum? Then, just as easily, randomly as it started in the middle of a…something…just as easily, it all comes to an abrupt -

NB: Wrote this while half asleep, sorry…not just barely legible, but also barely comprehensible!

My Life According to Pearl Jam

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 12 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Pearl Jam

Are You Male or Female?
Daughter

Describe Yourself:
Given to fly

How Do You Feel?
Rockin’ in the free world

(Ok, technically they covered that song)

Describe Where You Currently Live:
Insignificance

If You Could Go Anywhere, Where Would You Go?
In my tree

Your Favourite Form Of Transportation:
Footsteps

Your Best Friends :
Strangest tribe

Your Favouite Colour Is:
Yellow ledbetter (or) Black

What's The Weather Like?
Even flow

Favourite Time Of Day:
Low light

If Your Life Was A TV Show, What Would It Be Called?
Nothing as it seems

What Is Life For You?
Long road

Your Relationships: Push me, pull me

Last: Parting ways (or) animal (!)

Looking For: State of love and trust (or) betterman

Have: Nothingman (lol)

 

Wouldn't Mind: Fuckin up

Your fear: Hard to imagine

What Is The Best Advice You Have To Give?
Spin the black circle (the music will save you)

If You Could Change Your Name, What Would You Change It To?
Aye davanita

Thought For The Day:
Timeless melody

How would you like to die:
Release

My Soul's Present Condition:
I am mine

My Motto:
Why go?

25 Things...

1. I would trade all the qwerty in the world for a pen and paper.

2. iLove my iPod to bits, but iThink Mac-culture is arrogant and not as alternative as it claims to be (it's just good marketing, yo, open up your eyes!)

3. My name was supposed to be Nura :-S yeah, I know. And although I love the meaning of my real name, I always thought "3anoud" suited me better.

4. I could easily fall under any spell if it came in Maynard James Keenan's voice.

5. I have a not-so-secret love of cheesey disco music.

6. The only verse of poetry I ever really memorized was "turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer, things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world"...I'm almost sure that's Yeats :-S

7. I know I'm not the only one, but when I'm singing in the shower, I honestly feel that the world is at my feet.

8. When I get sick, I normally laugh like Mutley...

9. As an inside joke, my family calls me "Tungush"...although nobody remembers why, or how the name came to be.

10. Both my middle fingers are crooked as bananas...but still manage to look elegant to me...it escapes logic...

11. I'm allergic to two of the things I love most: cats and sand. Yes. No other allergies. Just those.

12. I cut my own hair because I despise salon-culture. (Copy-pasted clones, much?)

13. For someone who spends so much time fussing over and fuxing with her nails out of sheer habit...they sure do end up bleeding and looking like crap 80% of the time.

14. My right middle toe is just the tiiiiniest bit longer than the rest of my toes. This does not, for some reason, apply to my left foot.

15. I'm afraid of heights...but can't seem to stay away from the edges of rooftops.

16. I am humming three different songs as I type this. not because they sound anything alike or are in any way related, but because I can't decide which I'd rather listen to (Incubus "Punchdrunk", Nina Simone "Ain't Got No...I Got Life" & Serj Tankian "Lie, lie, lie")...this tends to happen to me a LOT.

17. Sometimes there is nothing funnier than a single random word ('butter' comes to mind)...yet I will often forget having ever found a particular word funny.

18. I swear like a sailor in english. People who first meet me never see it coming (innocent face or something?). I only ever swear in Arabic with people who do the same. No, there is no reason for this.

19. "Whose line is it anyway?" is the funniest show ever aired on TV. Period.

20. I consider myself priveleged, not spoilt. I may not always be happy, but I am always thankful.

21. I think my pride will be the end of me. Ironically, I think the same thing of my humble insignificance.

22. I have slight OCD about where things are supposed to go and how they should be placed. But once my room is a mess, it's a mess for months, and I stop caring altogether...till I tidy up and the OCD kicks right back in.

23. Nothing surprises me more than learning something new about myself...is it still possible after all this time?

24. I love nothing more than sleeping in and bumming around doing nothing...which is exactly why I need to keep two jobs and not be completely useless to myself and the universe.

25. This list came together pretty easily...but I can't for the life of me think of a good enough fact to fill slot number 25...this will probably keep me up all night (aaaah, there it is!).
...and a friend of mine added these little gems:
-You love Food... to you it's better than ... well a lot of things :)-You do not sugarcoat anything.. you can't.
-You say "Sorry bas ya3ni...." a lot :)
-You know how to have a good time.
-Waking you up at 5:00 AM requires a considerable amount of effort:D
-You give pet names to everything you think is cute :D

Age

I hope you find peace someday soon. I’m not in a hurry to see you go, but you’ve given as much to life as one to give, and you’ve passed on all a woman can. It’s your turn to rest and you deserve it. I love you.

Whether that day is today or 10 years from today, I’ll be sorry to see you go. But it’s your turn to rest and you’ve earned it. I love you. Now and always.

I wish you serenity.

*This day has come and gone, and we couldn't be happier for you, teta...but know that your 7 crazy children and their 22 crazier offspring will miss you sorely.

شاهد ما شفش حاجة

أنا بخاف من كلب…يطلعلي أسد؟؟؟؟

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbXDWf_tUx4

Something that shut me up for a few minutes…

THINGS MY SON SHOULD KNOW AFTER I’VE DIED

by Brian Trimboli

I was young once. I dug holes
near a canal and almost drowned.
I filled notebooks with words
as carefully as a hunter loads his shotgun.
I had a father also, and I came second to an addiction.
I spent a summer swallowing seeds
and nothing ever grew in my stomach.
Every woman I kissed,
I kissed as if I loved her.
My left and right hands were rivals.
After I hit puberty, I was kicked out of my parents’ house
at least twice a year. No matter when you receive this
there was music playing now.
Your grandfather isn’t
my father. I chose to do something with my life
that I knew I could fail at.
I spent my whole life walking
and hid such colorful wings.